It looks so awkward telling my story. I’m only eighteen now, so it’s not like I have a lifetime of things to say nah!!.
It is also strange to know this will be published for everyone to see. I’ve always kept everything inside. No one evevr knew about the conflict raging inside of me; people always described me as being weird, being shy to a fault, some even say I’m a different breed.
To be raped is one the most horrifying experiences, especially for an already confused fourteen year old (then).
While I was very much younger, the future appears to be so bright because my brain was super active, but after the rape my brain shut down. I felt numb, I felt like a shell.
All my feelings – the hurt, shame, anger, guilt, sadness, and confusion were all locked away.
I felt like I was seeing myself as an outsider. I watched myself smile, laugh, and have fun, but I didn’t feel any of it. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t know the face that stared back at me.
I was confused.
That was when I started getting mad.
It allowed me to feel my existence, and feel pain, but a different kind of pain.
That kind of controlled pain that I was in charge of, I had some sense of control over my out of control life.
At some point, I wanted to pretend like it didn’t happen, and by the way if no one knew it was easier to pretend you know?
But you know, that was the greatest mistake.
I kept pretending I wasn’t hurt – and I couldn’t heal
I couldn’t run away from my problems because I couldn’t escape myself.
And then the dreams—horrible frightening nightmares, vivid replays of the trauma started to set in.
I couldn’t handle it, I felt like I would explode. I finally told a close friend who I trusted one day, I told her everything!. She was so nice and loving about it. She encouraged but I was still afraid that it was my fault, that I was guilty, and would be blamed.
I talked with this my friend a lot. There was so much I had bottled up inside all this time, once I opened up, it all started spilling out at once. It was hard to deal with all the emotions that were overtaking me. I got very moody, and spent a lot of time in bed. Everything was so overwhelming. I had no motivation to do anything.
She told me to look ahead…Looking ahead still has me scared, but I lift up my head and stare down the long road that I still have to ply.
I know there is a bright future ahead of me. Because if I can get through this,(oh yes! I’ve finally gotten over it) then I can do anything, there’s no stopping for me.
God will be with me every step of the way.
I have faith in Him, He won’t let me down.
I know God has put me through all of this because He has faith in me too.
He believes I’m strong and capable and I can do it.
I won’t let Him down, and I won’t let me down.
“One thing that gives me the confidence that I had truly gotten over this is the fact that my emotions and pressure didn’t get the best of me while writing this.
I now wear my pain like armour”
I don’t want to let this evil control what I become.
So that is why I wrote this.
To share my story so that others (male and female) going through it will know that they are not alone. So if you are reading this, my message to you is: Don’t let someone else control what you become. You can decide, take every situation and make it the best. If I can
Written by Dorcas, a Med-zoner from Lagos State, NIGERIA.