I had a one thousand naira note in my pocket which I wanted to use for other reasons but I also badly wanted to impress you. “Do you have change? I have one thousand naira with me.” You took the money from me and then went to ask other marketers and after a moment, you returned. “Here is your change”. I smiled “Keep it for yourself.” I never expected the reply I got”You can be stingy with two hundred naira for yourself but you can impress a girl with more than five hundred. Okay oo! Since rich boy has told me to keep the money, I will keep it. Thank you rich boy.” For three days, I went to the same grocery store hoping to meet my friend but each time I came, you were always busy attending to other customers or you would consciously try to attract my attention or you would just sit staring at me, blushing. Some times, I observed that you would pay attention to what I wanted to buy and the conversation I had with the marketer. Did you want to know whether or not I wanted to buy mangoes? Or you were just waiting for me to start a conversation?
On my third visit to the grocery store, I finally summoned courage to ask for your name and number. “Omolola Dara Kimberly” you said blushing, looking anywhere else but my face. “My name is Udoye Arinze Daniel. Can I have your number?” As you stretched your hand to receive my phone, you heaved a sigh “Finally, you have asked!” I watched keenly as your fingers slid through my phone’s screen. “I saved my number as ‘Candy Lola’ because my friends say I’m delicious.” That night, I dialled your number once and as it rang, I held my heart in my hands. What will I say? How will I begin a conversation? Fortunately, you didn’t pick that call, but as I was about to sleep, a call from an unknown number rang “Hello?” We talked for one and a half hour and I discovered that we shared similar interests. Since then, I made calling or texting you a daily ritual. At times when I didn’t know what to say, I still called. At a time, I already knew what your responses to my questions would be would say but I still called, hoping to hear something different. Hearing your voice and your laugh soothes more than Vitamin C and are very essential for my health.
The good days came soon. I carried myself with an extra confidence. I even acted differently to criticism until you busted my bubbles one particular Sunday, which I presumed I wore my best outfit ever- a black Jean trousers with a matching black baseball jacket and a pair of white sneakers . Kimberly go hear am I said to myself as I prepared for church. On getting to the church, I was too confident of my dressing until I saw you ” Wow! I love this outfit.” I was floating in the air before I heard “But it looks too childish.” How? Why? How could you say that? “Your supposedly ‘white sneakers’ is ordinary rubber shoe. Are you using rubber sneakers to form fine boy? Honestly, it is not fine. My friends were laughing at you, saying that you act, talk and dress childishly so as a good friend, I thought it best to tell you”. You cannot imagine how bad I felt that night; how badly you are not mature haunted me for a long while.
I vowed to become mature. I took ample time to look up the different interpretations of ‘mature’ in the dictionary. That is why I deliberately did things to satisfy your needs. I even adopted the classical Rapunzel approach when I brought money for you in your place of work. I knew that meeting your unnatural crave for material things was only a necessary evil I had to bear if I was to be called mature by you. I recall how majestically you walk when you see me from afar, how you swallow me in an embrace of two soft pillows and how you quickly take your right from my hand. I know if I went into the narration of how hard I had to hustle before I got money and how many sacrifices I made just to ensure that the smile on your face never ceased; it would probably bore you so I will save that story for another day. This maturity also alerted me on the need to define our relationship properly so I wrote several love letters to you, describing how much you mean to me and to propose to you formally to be my girlfriend. Can you remember your first reply: Thank you for this heart warming letter. I would think about your proposal. I need some cash urgently. I love you dear. Kimberly. That reply hit my mumu button so hard that I didn’t realise that I had promised you Heaven and earth.
Good times never last forever people say. Do you believe that? I honestly don’t. One thing I like about my personality is that I keep to my promises(at least you can testify to that). We had so much fun together. I can remember the parties we attended together, the movies we watched together, all the blissful memories. I apologise for being so shy when you asked me to dance with you at a party. One thing is that I am not a good dancer and I also had so many thoughts to process at the time. Kimberly wants to dance with me? God!!! See her waist! Chaiii! It would feel so good rocking her. Her boobs are in another dimension entirely. No! I cannot. What if she calls me a pervert? What if she only wants to dance decently. “Daniel do you want to dance with me?” I didn’t even know when I politely refused and I felt sorry when I saw the expression on your face. I believe you wanted a dance, perhaps as I thought, perhaps because you had gotten tipsy or perhaps for a different reason but I could tell that at least you wanted a dance. I blame myself for missing such a golden opportunity. I promise we would still have that dance. I swear!
Another intriguing experience I remember is one time I called you to meet me at the cinema some days after I sent you my letters. I planned to watch a movie but I was unable because it was already late. I waited. You wouldn’t imagine how many times I dialled your number. No response. Was it 50 times? Or 70? I was itching to see you that day. I am sure you were aware. When I finally decided to go home, you then came. God is good! When I saw you, instincts told me to grab you and kiss you until we were separated by the security but I hesitated. We talked for long. We got to understand each other better. To be honest, I actually admire your decision to pay for the items we bought. You claimed you didn’t want to be a liability to me. To crown the euphoria of that night, you sang for me with the most angelic voice I have ever heard. “Tell me how I look” was the question I heard after your song. “You look beautiful”. From the bottom of my heart, I want to let you know that I lied. I wanted to tell you that you are beyond beautiful; sexy and charming are only understatements. I wanted to tell you that I imagined God’s glory by appreciating your beauty. I wanted to tell you that until I dream of life and life becomes a dream, I will never stop loving you. “Thank you” and then you kissed me. You fucking kissed me. I know I haven’t been to Heaven but your kiss made me to feel like I was in paradise.
That night, we did ‘it’ for the first time. I was a mad dog scrolling through your body, kissing every spot I could touch, licking your sweat, kissing your lips. “Shut the door and turn off the light” I and i obeyed your command without hesitation. I quickly removed my shirt and my belt followed immediately. I carefully unclipped your bra and gently removed your pants. They had the scent of fresh aloes. I then paused for a moment, thanking God for creating a human with a perfect physique. I admire the smoothness of your caramel skin, especially as it gradually parted to paradise. I wanted to take it slowly but you wanted action. You are really a bad girl. You literally offered to breastfeed me. I was pleased that I made you enjoy every bit of the forbidden fruit we both shared. I felt overjoyed as my forward and backward thrusts made you moan. I wished that the moment would last forever but unfortunately, it didn’t. I woke from my sleep. I realised that I was wrapped in my bed sheet and on top of my pillow. drwaters, just see how you have disgraced yourself. You have soiled your bed sheet and boxers. Just see how junior is standing. Idiot! It was then that the reality struck me: I left the cinema downcast after waiting for over forty five minutes.
The following day, you called me to apologise for making me wait for you in vain at the cinema. You promised to make it up to me somehow. I was glad that in return you made our relationship status official. You always made a reference to me in all your conversations. “drwaters did _____Daniel said_____ Let me ask my boyfriend drwaters_____ Can your boyfriend be like drwaters?” You began to call me frequently, asking to know whether or not I have eaten, whether or not I was still sleeping in the morning, whether or not i did anything. I enjoy your teases “hubby___ big head___ ishie____.” The fact that you were happy about us made me happy. You are really a daring girl, I must confess. From the surprise kisses, to the constant gifts, to the romantic hugs, the cuddling and to your constant wearing of my favourite clothes to places where people could identify them, indifferent on whatever anybody had to say; startled me. You’re the kind of girl every guy dreams of and since I met you, I have been grateful to God for allowing me to be in a serious relationship with His most perfect beautiful creature. We were the perfect couple, the envy of all our friends as we accomplished many couple goals- setting a standard for a perfect relationships and yet still maintaining a high academic performance (do you remember the plan to thoroughly teach each other a course the other partner was deficient in? how we stayed up many nights reading and teaching each other, how you paid dogged attention to my Physics tutorials and how I also paid dogged attention to your English language tutorials?)
Kimberly, I need you to pay close attention to this part. The part where I am stranded, the part where I am confused, the part where you disconnected from us, the part where there is no longer any love lost. I need answers! Kimberly, answer me! What did I do wrong? One particular Tuesday, you refused to pick my calls(I was calling you to be certain you were fine) and when you eventually answered the phone, all I heard was: “Are you okay? Why are you disturbing me? Do not call me again after 9 pm, do you hear? Daniel or whatever you call your name, please leave me alone for now. I want to concentrate. I want to read my books____ ” Only God knows how badly I felt. What did I do wrong? Did I say anything bad yesterday? Or maybe I called her when she was with her parents. Maybe her phone has just been ringing and her parents are not happy. What intrigued me the most is that after you rain abuses on me, you will calm down and apologise for the rude behaviour when I call you after several hours. Then, you’ll ask for a favour- buy this or that for me, my love. You deserve the credit of knowing my weak spot. After a while, the pretence faded. I sensed a breach in our relationship but I didn’t know how wide it was. You plainly avoided me, you refused to pick my calls, you once slapped me and you acted like I was a stranger when we ran into each other in public “Excuse me, do I know you? I don’t know why all these good for nothing boys try to woo me? Am I your mate?”
Nevertheless, I still had hope. I called your number once each day, hoping you’ll have a rethink and allow me to mend our relationship. “Give me privacy. I like my personal time alot. Stop interfering in my personal life. I want to read my books. You are not mature. I do not want your relationship again. Get out of my house or I will shout” were all I got when I decided to make extra efforts to visit you at home or in the grocery store. I knew our relationship had gone south when you repudiated money and gift items from me. The Kimberly I know refusing money? Kimberly, tell me the truth: what did I really do wrong? The last straw that broke the camel’s back came on a good Friday evening. I saw you kissing one guy. You turned to me with a ‘this is not your business’ kind of face. That is the most horrific look I have ever seen. I almost died that day thinking of many possibilities. What does that guy have that I don’t have? I am funnier than he is. I am three times more handsome than he is. I am probably more generous and caring than he is. What does Kimberly see in him? That moment earlier confirmed all my fears. I was previously warned not to follow you because you are termed to be a loose girl who follows older men. Although youre slightly older than I am, I could tell he’s older than you with almost ten years. If I had a gun, I would had shot the bastard in his balls!
Four days have passed since I experienced my worst nightmare but nothing has changed. I couldn’t see myself eating or doing any tangible thing. My pillow has been soaked with tears too many times. My mirror has been the audience to my rehearsals on the most epic apology scene. I call your name even in my sleep. Kimberly please forgive me. I am losing my mind! My legs had felt too weak to go anywhere except this room for fear that you’ll be the first person I run into. Many a time, I have composed long letters telling you to delete my number as I would delete yours and that we should not talk with each other again but I have never had the courage to press the send button. Argh! Why do I just want to hurt myself? Kimberly would not feel any remorse when she reads the letter; if she even reads the letter. I can’t continue like this anymore. Something must be done and it must be done urgently. This morning, for the first time in four days, I stepped out of my room. I went to the nearby chemical market. I bought some caustic soda pellets, a powerful insecticide and a chemical called Hydrogen Cyanide. Right now, there’s water boiling in the kettle. Very soon, I will drink HOT TEA.
I would so much love to see the reaction on your face when you read this letter. I am certain you’ll laugh. What if I’m wrong? What if you cry? Or you remain indifferent? There are so many things this fragile heart of mine would love to say to you but I believe they can be summarised into: I LOVE YOU KIMBERLY BUT YOU JUST DON’T APPRECIATE HOW MUCH.
Your wahala friend,







REMEMBER that you promised to keep whatever you discover a secret FOREVER.

Written by
UDOYE ARINZE DANIEL, Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka, NIGERIA.


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